How do you get over leaving your parents

Mamahoch2

Guest contribution by Silke Wildner from the blog gut-alleinerziehend.de

We strive towards something all our lives. First it was learning to walk, then cutting the cord from parents and growing up. What job, what hobbies and friends do I choose? Who am I and where do I want to be in 10 years?
One or the other sooner or later looks for a stable partnership and starts their own family. The very greatest happiness has been found and the apparently highest goal has been achieved. We women especially feel that way. The first child arrives and with him a big change.

But what becomes of a love and partnership when it has its major highlights behind it and is stuck in everyday life?

When the family dream shatters

Is your partnership still the way you would like to live it in 10 years? Or has love fizzled out and only the endurance for better times remained?
For many of us, life in a self-established family has been anything but sunshine over the years. Difficulties tarnish the desirable family image and problems are on the horizon.
Where should you go if you are betrayed by your partner? What if you don't have much to say to each other or your partner leaves you with all the family and household chores? What happens if my partner leaves me or I want to leave him?
Well what now? What happens afterwards when the family dream cherished with so much energy is shattered?


What it's like to be a single parent

This is exactly what happened to me. I had planned my life well with full confidence, learned a trade, fell in love and started a family. We got married, bought a house and had children.
With the first child, however, our couple relationship began to turn. While I was sacrificing myself for the child, my husband felt neglected. Love became a sense of duty and the calendar killed spontaneity.
But we kept the family picture. Nobody admitted that they were not really comfortable. I ticked it off as: That's how it is with a child. I trusted that it would get better again. After all, we had sworn allegiance by marriage.
And then - all of a sudden - my husband left me. My life had turned from a dream to a nightmare. Just now the second mother with plans for the future and in the next moment with two children alone and on her own.
The word "single parents" alone scared me as hell back then. I started googling the word. Maybe I had a completely wrong picture. But wherever I looked, the canon was the same everywhere: being a single parent = being poor. I read about poverty in old age, child poverty and a self-sacrificing life until death do me part.

There I stood now and was scared

Did I now also have to apply for state support and eke out my existence on the edge of the subsistence level? Finally, I had given up my permanent position with my first child. The discrepancy between work and family life was too big for me. And so I dared to take the step into self-employment. Should I be able to support a whole family from it permanently?
Why can my husband just go? We wanted the family and the children together. I NEVER wanted to become a single parent.
My thoughts circled. I no longer felt the ground beneath my feet and dearly wished for a replacement partner who could get through all of this with me. Just where to get it from? A toddler, an infant and a completely new life situation wanted to be mastered from now on.

Easy, however, a separation WITHOUT children
Those were wonderful times in the past: If a relationship broke up, you called in sick, suffered, cried and talked for hours with your best friend. You just had to take care of yourself. And the best thing was: you NEVER HAVE TO SEE your ex-boyfriend AGAIN.

Separation WITH child is different
If there is a child together, contact with the ex-partner cannot simply be broken off. Because the common child has a right to both parents.
The old pattern of overcoming separation no longer works. Everyday life is also different with a child. It's not all about me anymore. My child has also lost an important caregiver in daily life and this grief needs to be absorbed.
The best friend is usually stuck between child and career. What remains are short phone calls, thin ears and a lot of day-to-day organization. And so gradually a large undigested mountain of thoughts, feelings and questions builds up.

Get help

Why did this happen to me of all people? What have I done wrong? My thoughts circled in a similar way. I kept looking for the causes in myself and thereby dragging myself further and further down instead of up.
Hence my very serious advice: If you notice that this experience is too big and powerful for you to be able to process it on your own, then please seek help. You are not the first woman to be separated. You can find help at institutions such as ProFamilia or a therapist. There are also so-called “light therapy” offers that work via the Internet and telephone.
With this you manage to calm down again and to perceive the here and now again. Because your presence is no longer the separation, but the beginning of your new life.

What's next after the breakup?

Probably after this story you'd let me get away with all behaviors towards my ex-husband. At first I couldn't resist the allegations, nasty SMS messages and accusations. They just had to get out.
The problem with this is that these negative thoughts and feelings always drag you straight into the depths. They suck up your energy and paralyze you. As good as it is to throw the garbage at someone's head. It is actually counterproductive and will not take you any step further. Worse, the negative thoughts keep you stuck in the past.
When I think of my children, I am very happy that I made sure not to burst emotionally right in front of them. It's bad enough that they lost their father in everyday life. I'm so sorry. But they should be able to determine their relationship with their father themselves and not “protect” mom.

The new way of coping with separation WITH a child

Come to rest.There is much to be done now. Your life will change completely. But take your time. Find good, quiet moments for yourself. The rest will come together, step by step.

Listen and take care of yourself.You are most important in your life. If you are fine, your children are fine too. Don't neglect your needs, they are important to your wellbeing.

Get out of the victim role.Even if you can't do anything about the final breakup, you have chosen this partner. Why just him? Searching for clues in yourself here is very helpful. Because: leave us your opinion! If you scroll down, you have the opportunity to provide your feedback. This blog thrives on interaction. Be a part of it! P.S. If you enjoyed this article very much, please share it directly with your friends.

Forgive yourself for choosing a partner and close with the past.When you become disappointed in your partner, your deception is over. What did you see in him What is he really like? Why did you let yourself be fooled? If you realize that your picture of him does not correspond to reality, then you can be sad about this realization. But your dream image wasn't real. So there is no need to cling to the past.

Think positively consciously. Think about what made the break up better. These positive insights will help you to trust the new, as yet unknown, more.

Find someone to talk to on an equal footing.Make sure you find someone to talk to and come to terms with, but let the children out. Don't put her between the stools with your anger. Let them find out for themselves what is great or not about dad.

Look ahead and take your life in your hands.It gets better! It's good that the relationship is over. You don't just split up with a child, that's well thought out and therefore final. This is the only way you can look ahead and do what needs to be done.

Stay in the present, don't live in the past anymore.Live your new life consciously in the present and just decide from minute to minute what comes next. This will give you confidence in yourself and you will notice that the new life is (in places) okay.

Find ways to communicate with the ex-partner.You have a child and none of you have been separated from it. Therefore, as parents, you have to find ways of communicating and dealing with people. Week after week, month after month, year after year.


What I would like to give to mothers who are afraid of separation

Breaking up with my husband was the worst earthquake in my life. I hated him for everything he did to me with it. But through this revolutionary force, stones have started rolling that I would never have touched on my own. You have made room for a good new life. A life worth striving for with new goals and lots of joy and vigor.
I would never have split up, I would have persevered and hoped for better times together. That would have made me old and gray and probably also quite sick. A very high price. Because I could feel that something was wrong, but I never wanted to take the consequences.

Nobody tells you that other goals are possible after the goal of marriage. The fear of the personal pyre of a divorce is far too great. One reason why many couples persist in an existence that has nothing to do with real life, joy and freedom.

I have the "worst case" of my life behind me and it didn't fail. The fear of losing your partner is gone. That is tremendously liberating 🙂


Since I became a single parent, my financial situation has improved by miles. Yes, that works, because my ex-husband liked to live big. I am much happier and more balanced. My personal needs, wishes and projects are no longer put on the back burner. The children lost their father as a direct reference person, but gained a large family by moving to my old home.

For me this has become my new, incredibly worthwhile life. I don't know where I'll be in 10 years. But I know it's gonna be 10 damn good years

You can find more about the good life as a single parent on my blog gut-alleinerziehend.de and in the Facebook group Gut singleinerziehend.

Books on the subject

  1. strong and single parent: https://amzn.to/2Hjd0Pj*
  2. strong and cheerful separation children: https://amzn.to/2CeehmL*
  3. Happy children of divorce: https://amzn.to/2HvYhQw*