Why should you stop being obsessed with violence?
Excerpts from "When men batter Women"
They bite into their victim, are emotionally dependent on their partners and obsessed with the fear of losing them; with total control and psychological and physical violence they try to prevent a separation. They are not violent outside of the relationship.
These perpetrators have a conscience and can feel remorse; but since they have a large repertoire of excuses and accusations, it rarely comes to that.
Their pulse decreases before they strike. They practice violence coldly and systematically and use weapons more often. Some are drug addicts and criminals.
Cobra victims were much more intimidated than pit bulls, who often fought vigorously.
Kobras are completely devoid of compassion, and when they apologize, it's only for tactical reasons. Their way of life is to enforce violence and their own will. Her wives use her as a stepping stone to more money, fame, status, sex, and are often financially dependent on them. They react aggressively to the desire for closeness. They would also encourage their wives to cheat if they got any benefit from it. They seem to exert a macabre, sinister charm on women.
20 percent of the abusers (of the group studied) were cobras; many of them psychopaths: They lack a lot of feelings and so they cannot understand the feelings of their victims either.
We have found that domestic violence has little or nothing to do with the victim himself. The cause of the beating is not in the relationship, but in the perpetrator himself. In this respect, couples therapy makes no sense.
When do they stop beating?
When violence does not lead to the goal, namely power and control. This applies to all voluntary behaviors: when they are no longer useful, they slowly cease. But before they stop, perpetrators try to enforce themselves with increased violence, a very dangerous phase.
Development into an abuser
The National Institute of Mental Health sponsored a study in which a group of children over the age of 20 were observed in their development into adults. It showed that all boys who were abused had committed criminal offenses as adolescents, in most cases for acts of violence.
Can be useful, but don't expect too much from it. The perpetrators do not abuse because they are angry, but because they gain and consolidate power and control. Cobras are not angry at all when they hit.
Violence by women against men?
Some men say so. On closer inspection, it turned out that these women had criticized or insulted her or were just angry.
Therapy or Punishment?
Abusers are criminals - not patients! Offenders should be offered counseling and therapy - but as help, not as a substitute for a prison sentence. Many women believe that if their man goes to therapy, he will be cured too. Far too much is generally expected from therapy.
A study from the 1980s looked at the effects of law enforcement. It showed that just bringing charges (without going to trial) dramatically reduced violence at home. And the arrest alone reminds the perpetrator that women must not be beaten. It also gives the victim the assurance that they do not deserve and do not have to endure this treatment, that society does not accept violence against women.
The two authors observed that public humiliation, loss of freedom and, above all, the financial consequences of criminal prosecution lead abusers to change their behavior.
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